Nov 22, 2016

Within these four walls


I read somewhere that you don't have to be the best at what you love to do, you just have to keep doing it. It sounded stupid to a perfectionist like myself, until I became a mother. I had all these grand plans of the kind of mother I would be, the things I would and wouldn't do. In my head I was the perfect mom, but when the time actually arrived I so often fell short.

When it was just my son and I, I felt on top of the world. I focused only on him, and sure occasionally my house was a bit of a mess, but I had it cleaned and ready for the next day shortly after he went to bed. He slept like a champ, and loved to play with me. We read lots of books, and the only "issue" we seemed to have was getting him to eat food. He loved to nurse.

When our daughter arrived, everything shifted. There was no more time for anything outside of feeding, changing, and putting some one down for a nap. Nothing is ever clean for longer than three minutes, my clothes are always covered is someone's food, my eye brows are bushy, and dinner is never made until after bedtime.

I've learned that my feelings of inadequacy stem from this idea I have in my head of the way things should be. I should always be dressed, have my hair cleaned and done, have my makeup on, have the tidiest house, a healthy dinner on the stove, a happy and smiling infant playing on her own, a toddler sitting down quietly reading a book, and a scale that flashes a magic number at me after an early morning gym session (which I, of course, have the energy to get in), but that isn't real life, or at least not mine.

I feel like everyday is a constant battle to be happy with the way life is. This overwhelming feeling of the way life should be can so often suck the goodness right out of the everyday moments going around me.

I try to distract myself with friendships and social media to keep me from feeling like I'm not doing a good job. I think I need to learn to focus more inwardly. I need to stop looking for things outside my home to make me happy. I need to pay more attention to my kids. I need to be more patient. I need to be more loving. I need to teach them more. I need to be present more. I'm not sure why lately being present seems to be the hardest task, but when I am engaged, focused, calm, patient, loving, it is the best feeling I have ever felt. I want to bottle it up and feel it forever. Funny thing is, I can. I just have to do all those things more.

Here's to trying to do them more, and pushing the distractions away. What goes on outside the walls of my home is completely beyond my control, and what happens within them is entirely my doing. If I can make my home the happiest place, I know I would be the happiest too.


overalls- on sale for $39 // top- old navy // shoes- vans // bag- HAPP brand
baby girl- shoes- owo // pants- target // top- gap // turban- mini mandy tangerine
baby boy- shoes- little cottonwood // pants- gap // shirt- wakened kids


  1. This sounds a lot like what I am learning as I read "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown! It's so hard to change our expectations, and the idea of who we are supposed to be. Thanks for your honesty, and sharing this process!

  2. Thank you for your transparency! You are 100% not alone. I appreciate how (in your posts) you are frequently taking a step back and evaluating your perspective-- it is inspiring to someone who is in the same stage in life and also struggles with perfectionism! But I think that can also be a strength that helps us thrive when healthy perspective is involved. Thank you and please keep doing what you do here!


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