Cancer

It's time to share something I never thought I would. God put this on my heart. He guided my words, and I know that someone reading this needs to hear it. This isn't from me. It's from Him.

I was about 12 when my mother turned to me in the car and said, "One day I am going to get sick, and you're going to have to take care of yourself." I don't know how she knew, but she did, and she loved me enough to try and prepare me. She wanted me to be ready and to be brave. Not like the words you read in a story book, but instead the words that mean you've been through something awful and still survived to tell about it.

It wouldn't be the first time.

It wasn't normal when we went to get our nails done (a special mommy-daughter outing) and she was passed out on the table mid-manicure. 

For a few years she was falling asleep everywhere. It was alarming because she was usually the energizer bunny. She could never sit still. She always had something to do, or somewhere to be. She kept busy, but now everything seemed to slow her down. She was "so tired."

Something was wrong, when for 7 years, the ultrasounds showed a tumor growing, and her doctor never noticed.

I knew it was serious when she willingly went to the ER. They told her it was just kidney stones. She had kidney stones before, and this was not that.

After the falling asleep everywhere, the pain, the ultrasounds, and the ER visit, a friend recommended she see an oncologist. The oncologist compiled all her records. He had read through the ER visit, the ultrasounds, and saw it. He saw the tumor growing for 7 years right in front of him as he looked at one ultrasound to the next. He threw his hands down on the table and yelled, "She effed you! This doctor effed you so bad! Look at this!" 

There it was as clear as day a tumor stretching from her stomach into her kidneys. 

"There is a tumor. We have to operate to see exactly what it is and what's going on."

Before I knew it, she was in the hospital bed. Trying to be tough for us, but I knew inside she was terrified. She had one kid in college, another in the middle of high school, and their dad was never interested in being around. I cannot imagine the fear that filled her while she continued to try and be our rock, while she was about to face the biggest personal trial of her life.

Cancer they told her. We have always had this unspeakable bond. She carried me and I carried her. The words hit me. I understood the definition of the word, but I had no idea what that would mean for us.