Feb 18, 2020

Life changes. Enjoy things as they are.

when the kids can pee by themselves and grab snacks when they're hungry.

when your husband is sucked into a soccer game.

when your oldest is reading, and your youngest is 4... life feels different.

it isn't quiet. it isn't slow, but there are no more cuddles. no one reaching up and grabbing your hand as you walk around.

it happened so fast. people tell you it does, but when you're living it, when you're trying to make it through, it doesn't feel true.

when your children are small they needed you. every need they had is met by you.

it was tiring. it was hard. you would tell yourself someday they will be older. someday they will do this on their own. someday you will miss this, and you know it's true but when you're living in that moment, it doesn't feel like you'll ever get a full night's sleep. you don't feel like you will ever have a clean shirt on again with a milk stain or yogurt or even some kind of mush you made to feed them and their toothless smiles.

now, it's here. the time has come, and they don't need you anymore.

sure maybe you give them their meals, and you read with them,  and talk with them, but other than that they are pretty much on their own. they're making memories with friends and using their imagination and it's beautiful and wonderful, but it feels like time was a thief and robbed you of your babies.

time snuck in and made your babies grow into kids, and soon they'll be adults. time was not the thief. or so you wonder. was it me? was i wishing it away? was i missing the goodness happening right in front of me? no, never. i treasured every cuddle. i stared at that sleepy hand wrapped around my fingers while they nursed. i snuck into the room while they slept and cuddled them some more. i savored every laugh. i kissed every boo-boo, and wiped every tear. i was there with them, but now i fear that as time comes they'll be gone.

there will be no more nightly cuddles, no more mommy's magic, and all that will be left is a passage in my journal of the moments i never want to forget. the moments i lived my life for them.

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