Feb 26, 2014

The weight of the world.

The weight of the world.
There has been so much on my mind, and for some reason it has all just kinda piling on. Random things, some things that matter, and others that don't. Does it make sense to say that my mind has been cluttered lately? There is so much up there in my head, that thinking straight has been damn near impossible.

The reason I haven't written anything deep or somewhat intellectually stimulating, in case any of you were wondering, although probably not, is because my baby has been on a teething hiatus from hell. Those two top front teeth have been ripping through his gums, and all the while it feels like his physical pain has become somewhat of my mental pain. My brain, my heart, and my soul figuratively ripping too. 

I don't really know how to explain these last two weeks, other then so beyond emotionally tolling. I can only hope that other full time moms understand the pain that we (my son & I are in) because to be real, if I am going though something no one else has with teething before, I want to know what the eff I did wrong in my past life to get this, & by "this" I mean teething nightmare from hell. 

Somewhere in between his teething, my husband never being home during the week, & my root canal I honestly, and excuse my french, but this word needs to be used to describe my exact feelings, I lost my shiz. I hit a point of exhaustion where no amount of sleep could seem to ever cure, not that I was getting any of that. I just felt so alone. 

I felt like my son was going through so much pain, and I was forced to watch. There I was a loving mom, waiting to take care of this tiny human, that relies on me so completely, and I was totally helpless. There was nothing I could do. I couldn't take away his pain. I hated myself. I hated that I couldn't do anything. Sweet Lord, I could not even imagine your pain. 

I would look down at my beautiful perfect son, who was worth all the tears, all the wear and tear it put on me, but I hated that I basically, in those moments, was totally useless and what I can only describe as worthless. As I watched him scream as those teeth literally ripped through, I cried. I cried and cried and cried some more. I told him how sorry I was. I told him how much I loved him. I held him. I wore him. I nursed him. I did this all day everyday for a week, and gave him everything that I had, but inside I was starting to hate myself for not being able to help him, for not being able to cure him. 

The love I have for my son is something so tremendously overtaking, that when I say I love him more then I could ever love myself, I mean it. 

I love you DC, with every ounce of my being. Mommy loves you.
|| Photos featured above were found on Pinterest. ||


  1. Oh friend teething can be horrendous. The only things that have helped take the edge off for Parker are the amber necklace and lavender oil rubbed on bottoms of feet and jaw line. Hope things get better soon!

  2. Oh, girl! I feel ya. Motherhood can be indescribably rough. But I also think this wonderful privilege is given to us to become more like Christ, to understand Him just a little better. Hang in there. This week feels like it will carry on forever, but it won't. I promise. Good days are ahead!

  3. oh sweet girl, hang in there. it gets better, it does. you're doing exactly what he needs - being there for him and loving him. hugs.

  4. I'm sure that you've gotten a million teething tips and you don't want anymore so I'm gonna skip that part. I want to tell you though that I know how hard it is. How hard it is to nurse a baby through the pain, how hard it is to be up almost 24-7, how hard it is to see your baby in pain when there's nothing more you can do, how hard it is when both you and your babe are exhausted beyond belief that all both of you do is cry, how hard becoming a mom for the first time really is , how hard that life shift feels even though you don't want it to be, how hard having your husband hardly home feels, how hard allowing for others to help is, how hard it is to jus want sleep is even though you just cannot get it. Here I sit as now a mom of three I am to tell you that it does get better, don't feel bad for needing some time to yourself and let your husband, mother, friend take over -don't feel guilty, get some rest it's good to take a guiltless break it makes us better moms.

  5. Hang in there love! I was about at the end of my rope last week too with our house (our bathroom metaphorically blew up, and we had zero water and plumber butt cracks everywhere you turned for a week), plus work from home, plus life. But the best thing about hitting rock bottom and sobbing it out with your covers over your head, is that once you're done, you can pick yourself back up and know you have the strength inside you to get through it :)


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