Aug 19, 2015

#TruthfulFriday, vulnerability is becoming a theme.

I waited my whole life to have a husband and a babe. Now, here I am with everything I have always wanted, and sometimes I look in the mirror and feel totally whole, but completely flawed. 

I am so very very blessed, but it is so easy to sometimes focus on the things about myself that I don't like. I wish so badly I could just snap my fingers and resolve my internal imperfections. There are even things physically that I feel will never be how "I want them to be" (which is totally selfish, I know I am embarrassed of that too), and no matter how hard I work to fix them they probably won't get much better (thanks, stretch marks).

I get it, that's life. A lot of it is out of our control, and blah blah blah, "life is what you make of it." "We have flaws to make ourselves better." But, on days where I feel like no one understands, no one knows what is going through my mind, how it wears on me physically and mentally, those sayings just aren't enough.

Being a momma, I want to be the very best kind of example for my son. Making sure that I have all my shiz together. I don't want my flaws or insecurities to ever affect my son, so I notice them more than ever. It's as if they were under a magnifying glass. I want to keep him "safe," so that he can grow into the man he is meant to be, without me making a mistake that will affect him forever (that is my biggest fear). Parenting is no joke, and motherhood is beyond, with both the most abundant source of joys and anxiety or stress anyone could have. Talk about baring a yolk!

I love DC so much, that I want to be as close to perfect as possible, and I want to be just as amazing in my duties as a wife. I know that it is totally bonkers to think or feel this way, no one is perfect after all, but I just love these two boys so far out from my comprehension that I push myself. I strive to be better, to be greater, to do more, and sometimes with all the pushing, I feel worn, and not good enough.

The Mister is such an amazing example of what a loving partner, and eternal companion, is suppose to be like. I want to do more for him than he does for me. Never giving up on trying to spoil him, because I want this love to not just last, but flourish. Then, there is my son, who is perfect. There is no denying he has yet to commit a mistake. He is an angel, an angel I pray he is able to stay, and the budding blossom of a dreamboat man I know he will be.

Can someone pass me a tissue, I'm crying as per usual. The love I have for them, it is literally astonishing, and I feel so loved by my Heavenly Father, to have them sealed to me forever.

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