Mar 3, 2020

i'm grateful for my son

when the ultrasound tech told us we were going to have a boy, i instantly felt like a failure.

i had sworn it was a girl. from the moment those two pink lines appeared, i was certain it would be a girl. girls i knew. i could raise a girl. i was a girl. it shouldn't be too hard, right?

a boy? the baby wasn't here yet, and already my motherly instincts were failing me. i had guessed wrong. i panicked.

i couldn't raise a boy. i was raised by a single mother. the story about my father is a long and intense one, and with all the daddy issues i have, i could not grasp the idea raising a happy and thriving son. i didn't know anything about cars, dinosaurs, star wars, harry potter, legos, or even football. what on earth was i going to do? fear. panic. fear. daddy issues.

the reality-
there is magic between a mother and a son. something unexplainable. when dc laid on my chest for the first time, it felt like my heart had come out of my womb and was living in this tiny human. everything about him was perfect. he belonged with me for the rest of my life.

i now understood e.e. cummings- "i carry your heart in mine i carry it with me"

he started laughing at only a few months and he was always smiling. we locked eyes and would laugh and smile together. no words or silly faces had to be exchanged.

he loved to be held, and i loved to hold him. the top of his head smelled like what i imagine heaven smells like. his tiny fingers always wrapped around one of mine. when he nursed, he would just stare at me. completely content. i was enough. he was incredible.

when he got hurt all he needed was a kiss. like magic he was healed. when he was sad all he needed was a few reassuring words and a hug. if someone else held him, he quickly scanned the room for me, making sure i was always an arm's length away. He reached out for me after a few seconds because with me was where he felt the most like himself.

having a son is magic, but having a dc is total bliss.

i can't imagine my life without him. he is an incredible big brother. constantly looking out for his sister. helping her. being sensitive and anticipating her needs. i've never seen anything like it.

i don't know that i can truly claim any of his wonderful traits. i swear he just came like that. he was born wonderful.

of course, he is human, as we all are. there are fart jokes, tantrums, occasional bad moods, and talk about tackling and wrestling that i will never understand, but watching this little boy become a big kid right before my very eyes fills me with gratitude.

i'm grateful he picked me. i'm grateful that i am able to learn from him because he teaches me to be a better human daily. i'm just grateful to have him. i'm grateful for his big heart, those tiny freckles, and those wonderful blue eyes. he is my heart.

they both are, and i'm just so blessed to have them.

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