First trimester woes and blues

The first trimester did a number on me. I won't lie, it was a check list of all the symptoms straight out of "What To Expect When You Are Expecting." From the morning sickness (or rather all day sickness) to the extreme fatigue, it was no joke friends. I guess that's always a good sign? It means things are going as they should, right? At least, that is what I like to tell myself.

Sure, I had perhaps a little more anxiety then than average pregnant woman, which must have been a really bitch for my poor husband, but that's what happens when you are never on any medication and then the second they confirm pregnancy the doctors are handing you prescription meds like they're candy. I found myself feeling like a failure. This overwhelming feeling that the one thing my body was made to do, I couldn't do on my own. I needed modern medicine to save me and our developing little bird. I felt like I was failing him or her, and as I laid in bed or by the toilet day in and day out, weeks and months began to blur. Time didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Darkness found itself in me, and that was the worst part.

People would cheer me on, and miracles came, but the anxiety and the panic and the darkness that comes from being alone with your own thoughts, having others take care of your little boy, and of feeling like a complete waste of space found it's power over me.

What I hope to do by sharing this, is to allow those who are undergoing trials that seem larger than life,  know that nothing is impossible to overcome. To you, dear friends, I say the pain might never go away, those dark thoughts might try to creep in, but there will be a time when light bursts through and in those moments, even if they are only for a few seconds, grasp on. Hold tight to those feelings of brightness, and replay them when the trials seem too hard to bare. Those little burst of light, the tiny miracles that God throws our way, are the very chances we are given to grow the most.

Life isn't always glitter and unicorns, but glitter is pretty damn sticky, and once it falls it sticks around. Look for those little sparkles that remain. Cheers to you, and second trimester I already know I am going to conquer the crap out of you!