Momma Guilt + Working Mom

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(this is an old post from fall 2013 revisited)

Being a mom is defiantly a full time job, especially when you want to give your baby the world.

Recently with the job offer on my mind, I have spoken with many of my friends about what they think on the matter. They are in their 20's, and many have full time jobs, student loans, and a car or house payment. They went to school and graduated, and have a job, but motherhood, or being a stay at home mom, is a dream job for us. We all kinda are in the same boat, agreeing that ideally we would love to stay home with our babes, after all they are our hearts outside of our bodies, but sometimes there are underlying factors that need to be taken care of too, whether finically or mentally, what have you. Some have debts or loans that need to be paid, bills piling up, or a savings account that needs more money in it in the case of an emergency.

That being said, the other day I was talking with a friend and their views made me feel inadequate, and lesser for taking this job. Really ripping my heart out. Some comments arose like "I could never leave my kid," and "having things is nice, but I don't need things. I'm not materialistic." Were they making accusations that I was materialistic  Perhaps, that because I "could leave my kid" I didn't care as much? 

Let's be real, it will break my heart to leave my little boy, but for our betterment as a family (with our circumstances), it is important that I try! So maybe I felt judged by her because I had already been struggling for weeks on what to do about this job, crying about how I couldn't leave him, praying and waiting for the right decision to prompt me into some kind of movement, when I stood totally stagnate in my own confusion. I didn't need her to start judging the way I parent, much less that I can "leave my child while she can't." Ouch lady.

The truly sad part of that whole conversation, though, was I started to justify my reasoning to her (I told her the private thoughts and reasons that lead to me taking this job). As if, her, of all people, would be the one I needed to justify my decision to. I had lost my cool. Almost crying up a storm, I wiped my badges of mom guilt off my face as I explained to her why it was needed, and how hard it would be for me. I co-sleep, I breastfeed exclusively, I babywear, I am what I would consider a text book example of attachment parenting, and yet I felt at that moment of her judgment like the exact opposite. Oh how the words of one person can cause so much damage to another.

Mommy guilt is a real thing, and I never knew what it was like to have someone judge me, and actually have it really pierce my soul, until they played on my mothering ability. So, to all those momma's out there who work or stay home, or whatever, you are not alone in your feelings of mommy guilt or inadequacy. There are plenty of people who are struggling with some of the trials you are. If you are a stay at home mom, I have been there and know that trying to find the balance in so many different aspects is a constant battle. For the working mommas, or going back to work mommas, I know it hurts something awful to leave. The fight is constant. 

As mothers we should be supporting one another, not making one feel lesser or guilty for their views on parenting or choices they make. Mothers are suppose to be tender, caring, loving, supportive, and understanding, and that mentality should be a lifestyle we live with everyone, not just with our kids. At least, that is the example I want to set for my babe.

Ultimately, it is the way you love your baby, tend their needs, and give them all the cuddles you can. That's what it comes down to, for me at least. Do your best, whatever you think that is, with whatever situation you're in. Either way we are pretty hard on ourselves. There is no such thing as perfection. Just striving to get there.